Most of the time, I try to keep this blog pretty professional, posting my jokes and funny quotes elsewhere.
But this one was a hard one to pass on, especially as I know many of my peers, as well as others who are in, and about, the telecommunication industry, as well as any tech industry, would sympathize, appreciate and… might even laugh.
I can tell you I did.
(Original was written in Hebrew by an anonymous source. I have taken the liberty of translating it to English)
What Do We REALLY Mean?!
The Newbie Guide to Tech Lingo
So you just started working in a tech company. Congratulations. Even though it’s your first day, you probably already noticed that there are many of phrases and terms, which you don’t really truly understand. Well, this guide is meant to provide you with all the tools you need to properly understand what we REALLY mean when we’re saying something. Enjoy!
| When We Say… | We REALLY Mean… |
|---|---|
| Let’s take it off-line | Let’s not talk about it ever again |
| Send me an e-mail about it | Let’s take it off-line (see above) |
| We’re going to price it very aggressively | We’re going to lose our shirts |
| It’s a high risk project | We’re going to lose our shirts |
| It’s a strategic account | We’re going to lose our shirts |
| It’s a 2-week project | It’s a 2-year project |
| It’s a 2-year project | It’s a 2-week project |
| It’s a matter of configuration | It’s a 2-year project |
| It’s on the roadmap | We don’t have a roadmap |
| It’s a field-proven technology | We can’t afford labs |
| High reliability | We managed to make it work long enough in order to be “releasable” |
| It’s a new version | The old one didn’t work, maybe this one will |
| Local support | You can send it back to us via your local airport |
| We are making certain product adjustments | We threw out all the old sh** and we’re starting from scratch |
| Clarification | We’ll supply you with so many details that you’ll forget what you asked in the first place |
| FYI | I don’t get it! / look at me – I’m working! |
| Expert | Any ordinary guy, at least 350Km away from home |
| Comply | Not comply |
| Sorry, but I forgot to bring my business cards | I work in QA |
| We’ll think about it and get back to you | Now that we thought about it, we don’t want to think about it ever again |
| I am still checking | I still haven’t found your e-mail in my inbox |
| Reliable source | The guy I just met |
| It’s in process | It’s out of hand |
| First tests are not conclusive | The bloody thing exploded as soon as we turned it on |
| First tests were very good | It worked, and – boy – are we surprised! |
| We will begin design shortly | We haven’t even started working on it, but we have to say something |
| Delivery | We will begin design shortly (q.v.) |
| It’s not feasible | The only guy who understands this just quit |
| We’ll outsource it | The only guy who understands this just quit |
| It’s a long sale cycle | The client doesn’t want our product |
| We’ll go for an M&A process | Our product has no market anymore |
| Our product is cost-effective | Our product is very expensive and not at all effective |
| Branding/Positioning | I sounded awfully smart, didn’t’ I? No one knows what that is anyway… |
| We have a unique product offering | We haven’t got more than 5 competitors |
| We have no competition | Apart from IBM, Microsoft and Cisco, and they just announced they’re going into the market |
| It’s a tailor-made product | It’s not for you, but we’ll be happy if you will pay us for the development |
| It’s a growth year | We are going to lose TONS of money |
| It’s fully redundant | We are using the server’s RAID |
| Raise a flag if there is any problem | You have no chance whatsoever to pull this one off |
| Let’s think out of the box | Let’s take it off-line (q.v.) |
So, do you find it helpful? Got any terms or phrases you would like to add to this guide?
Leave a comment and I will update the guide.
Important note: This, of course, has NOTHING to do with my company and my projects. It only happens in other companies and other projects all around me … (hint, hint!) 
“Our customers love it!” means “They downloaded the trial and did not complain!” (yet…)
How about:
Have you seen this company (accompanied by link) means either :a) “I think we picked the wrong partner”, or b) “holy crap, I think we’re going to get the crap kicked out of us” or c) “I have no real idea of anything of what their site says or I really just don’t have the patience to read it, but someone told me their stuff was better than our stuff.”